And now your gone

First off I'd say like to say sometimes life doesn't make sense and I know it's not always going to, but I just wish it did! Last week I lost one of my childhood friends. This alone wasn't happy, but she left behind a 2 year old daughter and my heart goes out to her. She was a single mother and I ache to wonder what will happen with our loving little Ry! ...

I was sitting here getting things together for my Relief Society Presidency meeting today and afterward I just started thinking. Those of you who know me, that's not always a good thing lol!

Anyway I think everyone knows how it feels when life is going great and something comes up or happens that you don't know what to do about. Then from there it's as if everything else seems to fall apart as well. I'm not saying by any means that my life is falling apart, but I do feel like I'm just froze.

I'm stuck at a dead end job, I love the kids, but I honestly don't like who I work for and how things are ran. So I try to figure out what I should do with my life, and like always nothing feels right. For once I wish something amazing would just land in my lap or be thrown at me that is a great opportunity. I do my best to look for new jobs, look at schools, and careers, but nothing just feels like it's what I'm supposed to be doing. Then when I'm down on myself for all this, others come along and have to keep feeding to me that I need to do something with my life. Or tell me I'm not trying hard enough! Do you NOT see me going and trying?! Really?!?! Do you think I LIKE feeling like a failure, do you think I LIKE feeling like I can't do anything worthwhile?! REALLY?! I am tired of it all.

When these times come, I tend to miss my best friends. I miss them and just wish I could be around them. I was looking back at my old blogs today just so I could see them and long for the life I had back then. I felt like my life was headed somewhere, I felt like I was doing something that actually counted. I felt like what I was doing made others happy and proud of me. I hate the feeling I have now. I know I have a good life and I shouldn't be complaining and in my own mind I'm not, I'm just expressing my feelings. I have a family that loves me and an amazing man and little girl in my life. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ and a calling that makes me feel the love of the Savior for me and others. However my career/school life seems to just be falling apart . I just wish I knew what to do. I'm tired, wore out, and just plain sick of this. I'm ready for something, but I don't know what the Lord has in store for me and that is the frustrating part to me,

not knowing!